The cycle of violence consists of three phases: the tension building phase, the battering phase, and the kindness or loving phase (oftentimes referred to as the "honeymoon" phase.)
Tension-building Phase: Tension builds between the couple. Problems regarding jobs, finances, children, and other stressors increase the tension. Verbal, emotional, or low level physical abuse occurs during this phase. As time passes, (days, weeks, months), this abuse increases and escalates in both frequency and severity. The victim attempts to control the abuse through various coping or defense techniques: avoidance, placating, undoing, or "giving in." These are temporary measures, which work for short time periods, if at all. Once the tension reaches an unbearable level, along with failure of the victims coping strategies, the acute battering incident occurs.
Acute Battering Incident: The battering occurs. Here the uncontrollable explosion of all these built-up tensions occurs. Those processes, which previously protected the victim, no longer respond as the batterer acts out the violence towards his/her victim. The "triggers" precipitating this phase are rarely the victims behaviors, but rather external or internal stressors of the abuser. The battering which occurs is generally much more serious and intense than in the tension phase. This phase is characterized by the brutality the victim experiences which may include severe injury, hospitalization, or even death. Predictability, or rather lack of it, is a key component to this phase. The victim may unconsciously provoke the acute battering incident. Experience has taught the victim it is forthcoming, thus engages the batterer in behaviors to “get it over with!” Except for the very first incidences of violence within the relationship, the victim knows "calm comes after the storm.” Totally helpless, the victim is acutely aware of the fact that only the batterer can stop these violent episodes.
Honeymoon Phase: “I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I swear, it will never happen again.” Realizing the violence has placed him/herself in jeopardy of losing the relationship or legal consequences, the batterer exhibits remorse. Loving, undoing, kind behaviors with promises the violence will never reoccur characterize this phase. Ironically, regardless of the number previous violent episodes, both the victim and the batterer wish to believe it never reoccur. The batterer’s rationale is simply: “She (he) learned this time and I won't need to hurt her/him again.” The victims rationale, “He/she is sincere this time and will never hurt me again. Look at all these things he/she has done to make up for it.” The couple lives a life of emotional intimacy accentuated by happiness and genuineness. This phase generates the “total victimization” of the abused due to strengthening the “commitment” to work on the relationship so the battering never reoccurs. The victim finally experiences the relationship in such a way her/his leaving becomes extremely difficult, thus stays “committed.”
After the cycle repeats itself several times, the victims sense of self, or self concept, has become so damaged she/he begins to trade a truly emotionally satisfying relationship for periods of “love and happiness,” “peace and kindness.”
All of this can cycle in a day, a week, a month ... As a cycle, it's continual and will only end when the cycle is broken.
The first time a voice is raised, discuss the behavior. The first time a hand is raised, walk away.
and for allowing me to add my two cents.
It was wrapped in black and blue
like a gift left under the tree..
You'd take it out every so often
wave it around and put it away.
Then you would say you were sorry
kiss all the tears away.
Make promises
I knew you would never keep.
I couldn't stay.
I couldn't go.
It was wrapped in black and blue
like the brusies you left on my body.
No one ever saw those
except you and me.
Careful you were
to not touch the face.
Then you would say you were sorry
kiss all the tears away.
Make promises
I knew you would never keep.
I couldn't stay.
I couldn't go.
I gave you everything
and what I didn't
you took.
It was wrapped in black and blue.
I'll always be wrapped ...
in black and blue.
GlassPoet ~2000~
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
